THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION WANTS YOU

 

Leigon HatAre you running out of options?  Did you get your ass kicked in this economy?  Are you one of the folks who lost their job, their homes or business?  Is your wife heading off to the Greyhound Bus Station with your last dime as we speak?  Are all those demanding letters and calls from creditors and courts driving you to the brink of insanity?  You can only bend so far before you break.  Sooner or later you’re going to wind up foaming at the mouth like a mad dog.  You might get desperate and do something stupid like rob a convenience store or a car wash.  Maybe you’re getting ready to start rolling old ladies outside the supermarket. Who can blame you?  We understand.  We’re on your side.

There is a way out, a way that has been tried and true for almost two centuries.  The Legion Etrangere, zee French Foreign Legion offers you a fresh start and sends you on your way to a world full of Romance, Wonder and Adventure.  You get to meet and bond with all types of fellows from all walks of life.  But beware, this kind of the life is not for the squeamish or the weak hearted.  You’ll be hanging out with boosters, criminals, cut-throat pirates and people on the run from all kinds of dirty stuff they did in their life – kind of like the folks you meet in Vegas.

You’ll be hanging out with the scum of the earth all looking to get a fresh start in life just like you are. Standing side by side and fighting with a bunch of lowlifes is Romantic in itself.  Most of them are just like you – they have had the rug pulled out from under them – their hearts have been broken. Together you sing a common song of frustration and pain.  The French Foreign Legion offers Adventure which is the Tonic that cures all human pain.  Once you get in with the Legion you’ll forget all about that pain you used to have and take on a whole new spectrum of pain and trauma as we send you on missions in places where they shouldn’t send dogs.  When you find yourself up to you ass in a swamp full of leaches down in French Guyana, that old girlfriend that left you and that house you lost won’t seem all that important anymore.  When you get bit by a tsetse fly down in Africa and you’re rolling around in your cot fighting off Malaria your mind becomes centered and all that foolish anxiety slips away. 

We’ll take just about anybody except for rapists and child molesters.  We used to take them too but it just didn’t pay off in the long run.  If you qualify and pass the first four weeks of basic training, which requires you to do a bunch of punching and kicking and crawling through mud, then you will receive a new French Identity which you can trade back in for you old identity later if you want.  You will also receive the Kepis Blanc, that time honored White Hat that identifies the Legion. They have not changed over time and you’ll get the same one like Carey Grant wore in Beau Geste.

The hardest part of becoming part of the French Foreign Legion is learning how to speak French. If you can’t learn how to speak French you won’t get to wear the Kepi Blanc and you won’t get to go around fighting all over the world.  So before you join it might be a good idea to brush up on your French a bit.   

Once you’re in you’re in.  You get about a thousand a month and your own brand new shiny rifle.  You are never supposed to leave your rifle lying around the battlefield.  If you do leave you rifle lying around the battlefield then you better have fought to the death or the Legion will be very angry with you. You are not supposed to surrender to enemy either, no matter what excuses you might think to come up with.  You are expected to fight to the death because that is the way of the Legion as it has been for the last hundred and eighty years. So remember, don’t leave your rifle on the field, fight to the death and never surrender.  If you can follow that credo then you and the Legion will get along just fine.

Don’t worry about the dying and the surrendering and all that stuff, there’s plenty of good French Wine to drink to ease the pain and suffering of warfare. The Legion constantly throws parties and picnics for its members with all the wine you can drink and cheese you can eat. Statistics say that one in every ten soldiers dies while performing service for the Legion.  He’ll, Ten to One isn’t bad.  I’ll take those odds on a football game all day long.  

So if you want to ride around in boats, planes and helicopters while you’re fighting Terrorists, Pirates and Tyrants come join the Foreign Legion.  If you are a sissy or a complainer don’t bother showing up, the Legion doesn’t want you.  It is a place for men, real men who want to prove themselves by testing their mettle against the hardships of flame and fire on the field of battle. 

Our Motto is Legio Patria Nostra which means THE LEGION IS OUR HOMELAND.  Be a part of something that is a lot bigger and tougher than you are.  Join the French Foreign Legion today.

Leigon Hat

LADIES DON’T BOTHER SHOWING UP UNLESS YOU HAVE A PENIS.  THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION IS NOT AND DOES NOT PRETEND TO BE AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER.    

 

 

Advertisements
Published in: on May 17, 2009 at 8:07 pm  Leave a Comment  

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://robinbasichis.wordpress.com/2009/05/17/the-french-foreign-legion-wants-you/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: